Editorial Note: Why is the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law a painful and eternal problem? Luo Ziqi, a consultant psychology psychologist, believes that a large part of the problems of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law come from the "triangle relationship" interaction between husband, wife and mother-in-law, and it is more likely that they copy the relationship patterns of their own families without their own self-consciousness. To solve the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it is necessary to start from the husband and wife. It is absolutely impossible for either party to avoid or bear it alone.
With the alternation of generations and the change of social atmosphere, when talking about "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law", the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law often have their own grievances, which is almost another kind of "every family has their own thoughts". Recently, "50+" discussed "Sweet and bitter discussions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law" on the fan page, which attracted many readers to reply: Some people believe that it is not easy to be a daughter-in-law under the traditional concept, but sometimes mother-in-law has to share the responsibility of taking care of her daughter, which is also a kind of pressure.
Law Ziqi, a psychologist in the marriage counselor who has rich experience, believes that the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law seems to occur between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but it is often reflected in the conflicts between husband and wife. "The essence of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is actually the problem of husband and wife."
Therefore, to solve the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, you must return to the couple and start working.
Two generations simultaneously need to find the balance point again for the life change periodHow did the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law be formed? Luo Ziqi analyzed that from the perspective of a family's life cycle, when upgrading to the "in-law" status, it also represents the "nest-leaving period" in which the child must be independent from the original family.
"At this time, parents may also be in the stage of just retirement or about to retire. When all levels are facing major changes, they will actually need to be appropriate." When the two generations are in the transition period between life and family, friction will naturally occur.
Ro Ziqi believes that in Asian society where family relations tend to be more closely related, many people are accustomed to giving their children to their families to bring children when they are young and to take their children when they are old until they can't carry them. However, for the next generation who are "adult" and "family", if they lend a helping hand too frequently, it may cause the woman to need to practice taking responsibility and running into life when establishing a new family of her own. Different teaching or value concepts may also cause a certain degree of pressure on the woman.
"Responsibility and freedom are actually two sides. For children, we should give more freedom, and at the same time let them learn to take responsibility." Luo Ziqi said.
The key to handling mother-in-law and daughter-in-law's problem is to first clarify the scope of responsibility. When the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law's problem occurs, the conflict between the two women is often the first to deal with the conflict between the two women.
"In my observation, many gentlemen who cannot handle the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are the root cause of their husband-in-law and daughter-in-law in their own family period. Because they cannot handle the conflict between their parents, they usually choose to use some method to shift the focus or escape, but this method cannot really solve the problem."
Luo Ziqi believes that when dealing with the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, as a "important relationship person", the first thing that must be cleared is: Who is the responsibility area of this problem and who is between who?
For example: If the mother-in-law comes to the house once, but she will think that the wife’s family is not done well and the house is not organized cleanly, this is clearly a matter between the couple (the house is lived in and the house is well organized is also determined by the two), and the husband must come forward to communicate with his mother, "Because there are many things that are difficult for the daughter-in-law to talk about, but the son can say, and he must use himself, or at least the couple’s joint position to speak. It is best to treat his wife as a wrig."
Of course, before this, there was a The prerequisite: The husband must understand the difficulties and emotions faced by his wife. "If the husband also thinks that this problem is not that serious, and even stands on his mother-in-law's side in his thoughts, it will be difficult to discuss further. Therefore, this is back to what he said: solving the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Before, more importantly, couples should first gain common understanding on problems. "
Accepting each other's differences can bring space for the relationshipFinally, Luo Ziqi proposed the summary: Whether it is a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or a husband and wife, they should actually respect each other's independence and differences. "Even the closest family members cannot understand each other 100% or 100% the same. Life must be running-in and coordinated, and you also need to retain spaces that are specific to yourself. With such knowledge, you may reduce your sense of loss."
" Compared to the size of a woman, it is necessary to keep a space that is exclusive to you. To be a parent, taking good care of their lives and health is to give them the best blessing. "When dealing with conflicts, in addition to avoiding being rude to the other party, you might as well jump out of the framework of "who has a problem", but to be the person who is willing to show kindness, which is a better way to get started.
In addition, Luo Ziqi also believes that not only parents should learn to let go at the right time, but the next generation must also learn: to solve the problems between the previous one and the parties themselves. "I often ask the consultant: Have you been dealing with the family's problems for so many years and enduring the relationship between your family for so long? Is there a solution in the end? The answer is usually no, but the feeling of powerlessness is increasing."
A relationship should be harmonious, and it may not be harmonious, or "everything is the same". Sometimes, it is "accepting each other's differences" and "accepting that you cannot change the other party", which can give the relationship greater breathing and growth space.
Original text: The problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the problem of husband and wife! Psychologist: Sir, don't be out of the matter, put "we" before "my home" and "your home"